2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
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I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
called in thicc to work this morning
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Florida be like…
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
#merica
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????