Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
$3 #books
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
That’s incredible! 👌
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed