him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
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“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner