[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
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We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO