Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*