my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
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[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing