Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
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I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye