John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
You Might Also Like
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.