You Might Also Like
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone