Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
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That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My current situation
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes