I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.