ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
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My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*