Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
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A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.