Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
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DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?