Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
How it started How it’s going
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.