[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
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Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff