A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
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I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Fixed this for Shakespeare