Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.