You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
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If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Breaking news:
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it