I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
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You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.