R.I.P.
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They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Sorry. Not sorry
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”