scrabbled eggs
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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
This is what makes twitter great
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Awwwww shit.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.