Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.