All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.