When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
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Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.