Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
PLOT TWIST:
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
oh my gosh!!
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer