The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Clients after you give them your rates
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
🍛
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath