having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering