I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
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[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.