If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
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Me, after a minor inconvenience:
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Quadruple digit IQ
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”