Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.