Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
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*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*