Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home