I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
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6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”