Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
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Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
January has been Januweary
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
me when I see my crush
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”