5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
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I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.