Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
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Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
#Caturday
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.