Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
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Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Can. I. Help. You.
thank god
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Blew out my flip flop…
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.