“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
You Might Also Like
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me, flirting😏
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
This raises questions
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.