if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
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wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?