*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
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Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
THE AUDACITY. 😤
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok