Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
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If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
The struggle is real.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.