“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
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Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
How actors in movies eat their food
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now