Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies