A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
You Might Also Like
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
what’s more important?
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
💻🤡
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.