GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
You Might Also Like
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
No, he would not have.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.