Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
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Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My background check bounced.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.