Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
You Might Also Like
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
bias laundering edition
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”