“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
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Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
(Musicians.)
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.