I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
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All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.